


begin again

by shivva



Series: J. Shepard Series [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Extramarital Affairs, F/M, Gen, Relationship breakdown, Secret Relationship, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-28
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-05 02:53:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6686254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shivva/pseuds/shivva
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fight or flight instincts kicked in, and Hannah had to engage or she’d look every inch the guilty coward that she was. “I’m sorry,” she began, hoping her shocked and shaky tone would translate as confusion, rather than the guilt it actually masked. “What did you just say?”</p><p>“You,” the marine said accusingly, unfolding her arms and jabbing a finger into Hannah’s chest. “And the Commander. I know what’s going on.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part I.

Hannah’s entire body felt as if it were frozen in shock; she could feel the small wispy hairs on her neck standing tall; could hear the soft thud of blood rushing in her ears. Her heart felt as if it might beat right out of her chest. The sensation pricked at the back of her throat, causing sharp but dull pain with each agonising second that passed by.

The marine that stood opposite her looked unimpressed. Her arms were folded, hip cocked, and a frown on her lips that did nothing to disarm her hostile stance. Hannah’s eyes darted around her, eager to look at anything but the mousy brown hair and intense green eyes in front of her. The marine had her cornered in the mess hall; the room was all grey metal and cold air. There was no escaping the confrontation in this tin can. Hannah knew she had taken too long to deny the allegation put upon her, and the brunette woman in front of her would call her on her bullshit if she didn’t respond soon. Fight or flight instincts kicked in, and Hannah had to engage or she’d look every inch the guilty coward that she was. “I’m sorry,” she began, hoping her shocked and shaky tone would translate as confusion, rather than the guilt it actually masked. “What did you just say?”

“You,” the marine said accusingly, unfolding her arms and jabbing a finger into Hannah’s chest. “And the Commander. I know what’s going on.”

 _Oh shit_ , Hannah thought to herself. She swallowed the lump in her throat, but it still felt tight and dry. She was cornered. In combat situations, when it came to the confrontation Hannah was a force to be reckoned with. She was calm, she was collected, and she was damn good with an assault rifle. It was those very traits that had elevated her to the rank of Lieutenant, and had gotten her her most recent assignment serving aboard the SSV Mercury. This battle, however, was different. This was _personal_. And she couldn’t use her assault rifle if this particular situation got out of hand. _That would definitely be illegal, Hannah._

Admittedly, she had never read the entire regulation handbook when she had first enlisted almost seven years ago. She assumed she would never need to know the guidelines for roughly 90% of the contingencies the tome covered. She was under no illusions however; she knew that sleeping with crew members was - _at the very least_ \- frowned upon. Sleeping with your Commanding Officer? Definitely frowned upon. And as far as sleeping with your _married_ Commanding Officer? Most definitely frowned upon.

Hannah had to resist the urge to smack herself in the face. How had she allowed herself to become embroiled in this kind of situation? She was an intelligent woman; she had an pristine record and was rising steadily within the military ranks. She was also pretty decent looking, in her own opinion - so why had she become involved with the Commander of the goddamn ship she was serving on? She could’ve found a multitude of other men out there, each more deserving of her attention. But the Commander was cute. And smart. And funny. _And he did that thing with-_

“You’re not even going to deny it?”

Hannah shook her head, and faced the marine once more with clenched fists. She frowned in frustration, and searched the shadows of the ship helplessly. Then her features hardened, she set her jaw and turned back to regard the younger marine in front of her. “Of course I’m going to deny it, Claire. You honestly think I’m that kind of person? To sleep my way up the chain of command?”

Claire visibly backed away, and opened her mouth in shock. Was she honestly expecting Hannah to drop to her knees and confess? She didn’t know the Lieutenant very well if that was the case. Hannah Shepard didn’t back away from anything. _Even if she was lying through her teeth_. If she gave in to Claire now, she’d more than likely be demoted. The Commander would also be demoted, if not discharged; his wife would divorce him. Their ranks, reputations, and personal lives would lie in ruins; and then the Earth would spin off its axis and straight into the Charon relay. _Well, maybe not_ \- but it would definitely be a right mess for everyone involved. Hannah chewed nervously on her lip, but some small movement behind Claire caught her attention. Or rather, _someone_ behind Claire. She tipped her head to get a clearer view of the officer across the mess. “Matthews,” she said suddenly, and in a tone all too high to be coming from such a small woman.

“Excuse me?”

“Matthews,” Hannah repeated to the younger marine. “Matthews is retiring as Marine Officer soon.” Claire shook her head incredulously. “I’m taking over the position when he retires. The Commander has been talking me through the responsibilities of the role.”

“At 6am?”

“He’s the Commanding Officer of this vessel, do you think he sleeps in till noon?” That part - _at least_ \- was not a lie. It was practically his job to be an early riser. Hannah hoped that Claire had been thoroughly convinced - she didn’t know what else she could say to assure the woman that her relationship with the Commander was strictly above board. If she wasn’t convinced - and so much as mentioned it to another crew member, if even one person began to ask questions - it wouldn’t be long before Hannah and her lover were called in front of an ethics council.

Hannah knew she had to speak to the Commander before this got out of control. They were risking too much as it was, and Hannah already felt sick with worry. “If that’s all Chief, I have to get back to my duties.” Hannah didn’t even wait for an acknowledgment from Claire before she turned on her heel and headed towards the CIC.

=====

“Commander Hackett,” Hannah called as she approached the galaxy map. The Commander nodded briefly to acknowledge her approach, and took a datapad from a nearby marine. He studied it carefully, and ran a hand along his stubbled chin. Hannah really couldn’t blame herself for falling for the man; his dark hair and rugged features made him the perfect poster boy for the Alliance. Although that was probably down to his impeccable service record, rather than his good looks. _She may have been biased._ And that lip scar; Hannah _melted_ everytime she got the opportunity to examine it close up. Hackett had told her once how he had received the scar; it was during a training exercise in Brazil. The higher level certification programs could be _brutal_. Hannah knew that from personal experience. Everyone and their grandmother wanted the best postings, on the best Alliance vessels. But in order to acquire the best assignments, you had to prove you were the best marine for the job; even if that meant slicing your sparring partner’s face clean open during a warmup session.

Hannah could almost imagine a stern, young Steven Hackett casually wiping the blood from his face, standing to his full height and carrying on with his training. He’d never change, she supposed; always far too preoccupied with doing his duty. Except -it seemed- when it came to her.

He was friendly with his crew, naturally, but their connection was special. She knew that long before they had become intimate. Nagging jealousy often pushed her into wondering if he had the same connection with his wife, back home in Argentina, but Hannah repressed it each and every time the thought surfaced. What she and Steven were doing was not just illegal, it was also immoral and unfair. When Claire had cornered her, Hannah realised just how unfair their relationship actually was. Their careers and reputations were not the only thing on the line - people could get hurt.

“Commander, may I have a word with you - when you have a moment?” she asked, her tone professional.

“Comm-room in ten, Lieutenant.” He didn’t look up from his datapad, but Hannah saluted nonetheless. She headed towards the nearby communications centre, feelingt nauseous - the impending conversation already playing out wildly in her mind. She knew that what she was about to say was for the best, but it didn’t make it any easier. She needed to end whatever was between them before anyone got hurt, and before anyone was discharged.

=====

 _‘Okay Han, you can do this.’_ She exhaled quickly, hoping to settle her nerves and her stomach. Words weren’t her strong point at the best of times, and she certainly hadn’t planned the conversation she was about to have with Hackett. Claire had forced her hand when she ambushed her that morning. And all before she even had a chance to grab a cup of coffee; Hannah wasn’t nearly operating at her maximum potential. For once in her life, she was stumped. She had no idea what she wanted to say to Hackett when he arrived. She knew what she needed to say on a basic level, of course; but how to frame that one bullet point was another question entirely. The relationship between her and Steven had ran its course. It shouldn’t have began in the first place, she realized that now - but there was no point crying over spilled milk. What’s done - was done. There were no two ways about it. If Claire really did take her allegations further, it could hurt a lot of people, least of all Hannah and her lover. If they truly cared about one another, they had to let go and end whatever was between them.

Hackett appeared through the automated doors shortly after, looking serious and pensive. He had a long, decorated history within the military, and so he had an uncanny ability to sense when something was afoot. It was a gift really, something that ensured his impeccable military record stayed impeccable. “Something’s wrong, what is it?” he asked with the gravelly tone he was known for. The Commander hailed from Argentina, but the accent was strangely North American. Likely from spending most of his life on military bases and aboard starships.

Finding her own lack of words disconcerting, Hannah thought it best to confront the situation dead on. Spending time thinking of phrasing and word framing wouldn’t help the matter at hand, and Steven wouldn’t appreciate it. He was as direct as she when it came to such matters. “Chief Watson knows about our… _relationship.”_

Hackett raised a single eyebrow, but other than that he seemed passive as ever. “What did she say?” he asked calmly, stepping further into the comm-room. As he examined the communications console, Hannah quickly realized she hadn’t checked the device to ensure it was deactivated. _Shit_ , she thought bitterly, praying to every deity she remembered from high school, that she hadn’t just exposed their affair herself, to all personnel onboard the Mercury. Steven turned around after a moment, and simply watched her, awaiting a response. She sighed in relief when he didn’t mention the console he was leaning against.

“She said that she knew about our affair. She didn’t give me any specifics.”

“Did you deny it?”

“Of course I denied it,” Hannah snapped. She knew he was only trying to get a feel for the situation, but the accusation still stung. “I told her we’d been working early. I think she believed me, but I can't be sure. She didn’t say anymore afterwards.”

“We’ll have to be more careful,” was the Commander’s only response. His voice was low, and he didn’t seem to want to offer any more advice. He moved away from the console and towards her. One hand grasped her elbow softly, and she had to resist staring into his blue eyes like she had too many times already. “It’s going to be fine, Hannah.” It would be so easy to believe his words; to live in ignorant bliss and continue their relationship until the next time they were too reckless with their glances or touches or secret meetings. But that was too dangerous now, and Hannah did not like dangerous.

“No it won’t,” she replied, removing herself from his embrace. She had to put as much distance between them as possible. Hannah met his gaze, and steeled herself for the impact of her own words. “We can’t do this anymore Steven, it’s too risky.”

Hackett said nothing in reply. He simply returned her gaze, lips slightly parted where he was obviously trying to find his own voice. Hannah watched him for what felt like an eternity. She watched him as he tried to strategize and plan a way through this situation. Almost as if- as if he didn’t want their relationship to end. She almost laughed at that nonsensical idea. What had she expected; that he was in love with her? That Steven would leave his wife for her? That they’d elope, marry on some beach in Buenos Aires, have blue-eyed babies, and sail the cosmos together for the rest of their lives? It was nothing more than a fantasy. Steven already had a loving wife at home; he didn’t need another, she reminded herself with a bitter pang of jealousy.

Hannah release the shaky breath she didn’t know she’d been holding in. It did nothing to ease the knot in her stomach - _boy, it had just not been her day._ Steven was still looking at her, eyebrows furrowed and mouth open. Had she really shocked him that much? Hannah hated how hard the man was to read; it had taken her months to realize he was actually flirting with her when she had been assigned to the SSV Mercury under his command six months ago. And just as she had then, Hannah awaited his response with her heart in her throat and her own fists clenched painfully.

“If that’s what you want-”

“It is,” she added quickly, tears had started to prick at the corner of her eyes but she had to see this through without appearing weak in front of him. “And when we dock in San Diego next week I want you to add my name to the list of outgoing personnel.”

“You want to be reassigned?” he asked as quickly as she had finished her sentence, seemingly dismayed by her request. Steven moved close to her and a palm flew out in disbelief.

“It’s in everyone’s best interests, Commander.”

The use of his rank in a personal conversation must have stung, because his eyes widened a fraction. He sighed, his hand now brushing passed his temples, and into his dark locks. Hackett was quiet for so long afterwards, simply staring at the floor and chewing on his lower lip. An unconscious habit; his ‘ _thinking stance_ ’ as Hannah has affectionately dubbed it. _Fuck Hannah_ , she scolded herself, as if sheer force of will could stop her from remembering all their intimate moments together. She took a deep breath, praying that Steven would dismiss her before the burning at the back of her eyes gave way to the tears that had gathered there. The crew of the Mercury had become a second family to her, and Steven a great friend. She was going to miss them.

“Alright,” he offered eventually. Hannah didn’t think she had seen such utter disappointment in his eyes before. “I’ll start the paperwork today. Dismissed, _Lieutenant Shepard._ ”

Hannah saluted -only halfheartedly- before escaping from the room as fast as her legs could carry her. She really thought she was going to be sick.

END PART I.


	2. Part II.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yes, Steven. I’m pregnant,” she said once more. “With your child.”

Thirty-six drops - the amount of water that had leaked from the faucet in the medical examination room, since the nurse had left the room. He was a friendly enough guy, albeit a little annoying with his casual conversation - _she was here for a medical exam after all_ \- but with that incessant dripping on the far side of the room, Hannah found herself almost missing his thick New York accent. Medical examinations freaked her out - a strange nurse poking around your business, making sure everything ticked correctly? _No thank you!_

Hannah sighed audibly, and rearranged the gown she was wearing. She realized she was fidgeting, but it was only because of her surroundings - she never did well in medical settings, it was all blood, and scalpels, and surgery that replaced your bones with metal spikes. _Okay, maybe she saw that in a movie._ And this room was typically surgical. Clean white walls; cold tiled floor; baskets of all different types of syringes and bandages; and of course the sterile smell of disinfectant. It reminded Hannah of those stereotypical mental health facilities from the old horror vids they used to watch - _secretly of course_ -after lights out back in military training camp. The much-too-bright room was a far cry from her life serving on starships; they were all dark metal and gloom. Anything else felt foreign to her now.

The nurse had excused himself a short while ago, after asking her to ‘provide a sample’ - she’d have preferred if he’d just asked her to piss in the jar. Providing a sample sounded… alien. And vague. A sample of what exactly? Hair residue? Tooth plaque? Fine Korean cuisine? Hannah hadn’t exactly needed to _‘go’_ when she arrived at the facility, but luckily that annoying tap provided welcome inspiration. _Maybe they leave it leaking on purpose,_ she mused to herself. She waited impatiently; room utterly silent with only the irritating sound of water drops hitting the cold steel of the basin, tugging at her senses.

The door creaked open and a new nurse appeared in the small, sterile room. “Shepard, isn’t it?” She didn’t wait for an affirmation from Hannah, but moved across the room urgently. She had Hannah’s paperwork in one hand and a styrofoam coffee cup in the other. Hannah clicked her tongue - how long had it been since she last had real coffee? She couldn’t even remember. The nurse sat opposite the bed Hannah was perched on, and flipped through the pages carefully. “This all looks great, you’ll be outta here in no time.” She spoke with a distinctly Californian accent, that told Hannah she was a native of the state. A small smile played on Hannah’s lips - she was reminded of home; having grown up nearby in a small Californian town herself.

“I sure hope so…” Hannah said finally, staring at the coffee cup in the other woman’s hands. It had been so long since she last had caffeine. She could smell the aroma of the beans - _with a shot of vanilla, if she wasn’t mistaken_ \- in the air, and it made her envious beyond belief.

“I’m just gonna do the urinalysis, and we’re practically done here.”

“Actually,” Hannah swallowed thickly. Her admission caught the nurse’s attention; she stood in place, waiting and ignoring the urine sample she held in her hands. “There is one more thing…”

She couldn’t believe she was about to say the words. She had spent the past week suppressing the feeling - but it was finally about to come out. She had prayed to every deity, every god, every damn Alliance hero she could think of - _to please_ \- just let her not be tethered to her mistake for the rest of her life. Her heart beat faster with each passing second - pricking the back of her throat- until she finally said the words aloud.

“I think I might be pregnant.”

===

She had called Hackett as soon as she gathered her belongings from the examination room and left the facility. “ _I need to see you._ ” The Californian warmth was a welcome break from the sheer cold panic that had been building steadily in her gut over the past few days. She didn’t have access to a disposable pregnancy test onboard the Mercury, and Hannah didn’t dare visit the medical officer. While it would have been illegal for Dr. Martinez to divulge private medical information anyway, she just couldn’t risk anyone else onboard the vessel finding out about her condition. They could all too easily start asking questions as to why she was visiting the medbay, and before long her careful planning would be for nothing. No, she did the right thing by waiting until he been signed off the personnel list of the Mercury, and had her feet on solid ground before confirming her suspicions.

“ _No, I haven’t changed my mind. I just- I need you to meet me. Soon._ ” Of course, after she had received her happy news, came the mammoth task: informing the father - Steven Hackett - of their… _situation_. She couldn’t lie to him, and she certainly wasn’t the type of woman to hide this life-changing news from him.

Precise as ever, Steven Hackett knocked on her door shortly after midday; the SSV Mercury was docked for another day or so while personnel changed rotations, and the essential crew enjoyed some downtime. Hannah was staying in Alliance lodgings temporarily until she received her reassignment orders. She assumed she’d have a few days shore leave - _at least_ \- and that she could spend time planning her next moves. The small room in a shared apartment was home for the next while. It wasn’t exactly spacious, but it would do- she had her own bed, desk and reading chair. The walls were painted a cool Alliance blue, and she had a small window behind her bed that faced out onto the ocean. It was practically a palace compared to her tiny bunk on the Mercury.

Three curt knocks signalled Steven’s arrival, and Hannah wasted no time in inviting him in. She had decided on a ‘ _bandaid_ ’ approach to the conversation. _Just lay all the cards on the table, and send him on his way._ She had to make it clear that she expected - _and wanted_ \- nothing from him.

He looked tired, almost - a carefully placed hand on the desk beside him was all that seemed to keep him standing. Steven had told her he was in a meeting when she called him, but something about him seemed… _off_. He cast a worried glance to the window behind her small bed. “What is this, Hannah?”

“I’m pregnant,” she replied without hesitation. _Bandaid. Ripped._

She had spoken the words as quickly and quietly as possible, that Hannah wasn’t sure if Steven had understood what she had just said. But one look at his pale face, and open-mouthed stare told her he had definitely received the message. She found that finally saying the word ‘ _pregnant_ ’ had taken most of the fear out of the word. She had kept the information bottled up for so long, that it just felt good to talk about the development openly, to say the words aloud. “I’m pregnant,” she repeated, this time calm and clear. And more for her own benefit than Hackett’s. “I had a urinalysis this morning, and confirmation via blood test.”

“Hannah- you’re-”

“Yes, Steven. I’m pregnant,” she said once more. “With your child.”

Steven exhaled almost violently, one hand flying into his dark hair, the other hanging limp at his side. He was in complete shock. Hannah hesitated to carry the conversation further, and decided to let him process the information she had just given him. But at the same time, she needed to assuage his fears. She needed him to know her plan, because knowing him as she did, Steven was already planning a future for the three of them that she didn’t want.

“Steven, listen-”

“How far along?”

Hannah took a deep breath. “Five weeks, but listen to me-”

“And you want to keep the baby?”

Hannah tensed for only a moment, she didn’t even have to think about the question. “Of course.”

“Of course,” he repeated, quietly. "Good."

“Steven listen to me,” she started once more, moving towards him and hoping to finish her sentence before he cut her off again. “I’m having the baby… and you don’t need to be involved. In fact, I think it would be better if you weren’t involv-”

“Oh don’t gimme that crap, Hannah!” he said, slamming his hand onto the desk. Steven had never raised his voice to her before, the weight behind his words, coupled with her already emotional state, made her feel like the child. Did he think she needed him? She did need him, yes - but she only needed him to listen to her. This _was her_ decision.

“It’s my kid too,” he said, quieter this time. “And goddamn it, I’m going to be a part of this-”

“I have a plan,” she said sternly, not backing down from his intense gaze.

“Oh you have a plan, Hannah? Do you really?” Steven left his spot beside the door and walked further into the small room. He towered above her, and Hannah for the first time in her life felt trapped. “Was this entire situation apart of your ‘ _plan_ ’?”

She was furious. Just what was he accusing her of? She thought they had known each other, that they’d cared enough for each other, that they’d thought higher of each other. Her fury gave rise to small, angry tears - she could practically feel them at the corners of her eyes, but she didn’t dare back down. She was stronger than that - she had proved it to him on many occasions. “No, you’re right Steven,” she began quietly, her voice low but strong. “ This was _exactly_ my plan. I _planned_ to have an illegal affair with my Commanding Officer. And I _planned_ to fall pregnant for this - _married, I might add_ \- man before I even turned twenty-five. _You caught me!_ ”

For a brief moment, Hannah regretted sharing her news with him. She could have fled San Diego and left all memories of Steven Hackett behind; simply took off with no one to consult but herself. They had no mutuals friends in the Alliance or elsewhere - it would be so easy to pull off, to completely remove him from her life. But she was a strong woman, and fair - and she knew that Steven at least deserved to know about his child, even if she didn’t want him in their lives.

Steven had stepped back, obviously sensing how out of line his comments had been. But Hannah didn’t dare back down. “Give me more credit than that, Steven.”

“I didn’t mean-”

“What I am planning however, is to take time out of my career -putting my own position, reputation, personal life, on the line- to raise this baby.”

Steven seemed calmer now. He moved closer to her, but Hannah rejected his embrace with a wave of her small hand. “Hannah, I- I should be involved.”

“I don’t need you to be involved, Steven.”

“For godsake Hannah, this isn’t about you though- it’s about the kid.”

Hannah stilled, she realized that what she was asking was hard him. Steven was honourable, he was a good man - and she was asking him to walk away from his responsibility. Something he should have been incapable of doing as Commander Hackett; something he had been trained _not_ to do. She stepped forward, placed a hand on his shoulder, and looked at him directly. She tried to find her words but she hesitated. He stared at her in incomprehension, and although Hannah searched for words to comfort him, she found none.

“You have a wife, and a family. And we have careers that are really going places. We can’t throw all that away for-” she hesitated to finished that sentence. Because she knew that her baby was _worth_ throwing all that other stuff away for. She swallowed the lump in her throat and continued. “I said earlier that I didn’t need you… but the truth is… I don’t _want_ you involved. I can do this on my own, Steven.” She was pleading with him, she just needed him to see that. “I want to keep my career, my record, my reputation intact. And I want to have this baby; I want them to be _proud_ of me - of my accomplishments.”

For the first time in what seemed like ages, Hannah grasped his shoulder gently, and looked into his blue eyes - maybe the eyes that their child would inherit. She could tell he was hurting just as much as she was by this proposition. In another time, they could’ve been happy. They were good together; they fit. She’d lost count of all the times they fell asleep laughing or reading or just holding one another. They had made their choices, but now it was time to rejoin the real world and deal with the consequences of their relationship. She blinked away the tears that had formed in her eyes, the moment of grief for what could have been was gone. She removed her hand from his shoulder brusquely. “I don’t need you for any of that,” she finally surmised.

“Hannah-”

She removed herself from his personal space. The time for comfort was over, and she needed to build a wall between them, because if she didn’t it would be too easy to fall back into old habits. “I can send you updates - _through secure channels obviously_ \- pictures, school reports when the time comes, that sort of thing.”

Strong hands played with his temples, he was still every inch Commander Hackett - except this time his decisions were personal ones, and therefore harder to see through. He sighed, waving one hand from his mouth out into the open. “We’ll need to establish some kind of support-”

“No, I don’t need your money Steven. Besides if anyone ever looked into it…” she trailed off, hoping he would understand her reasoning. She’d had enough of speaking for one afternoon, and just wanted to see an end to the discussion. Hannah was exhausted, but resolute in her decision - now more so than ever after speaking to Hackett. It was time to cut all ties - for all of their sakes.

“Why do I feel like a monster, Han?”

Her small hand reached out for him, tilting his chin gently. She had loved him, that much was clear, and it was useless to try and pretend otherwise. And she’d love his child just as much. “Neither of us are, Steven. I know in my heart that this is the best thing for us. For all of us.”

“The second you need anything- anything, Hannah!” his voice was a whisper but she could tell he meant every single word. Hannah was sure she could see tears building in the older man’s eyes. She nodded, offering him the smallest smile she could muster.

“I’m going to tell Marina- I don’t want-”

Her eyebrow cocked at the small admission. She hadn’t expected him to come clean to his wife, but when he mentioned her, she felt a small pang of guilt. She hadn’t wanted anyone to know of his connection to her unborn child, _least of all his wife_ \- but Hackett was - _deep down_ \- a good man. What they had together may have been wrong, but it wasn’t done with the intention of hurting anyone. She hoped Marina wouldn’t unravel the work they had just agreed upon, but that was a bridge for another time.

“Keep me updated, if you can,” he asked weakly, removing her hand from his chin and giving it the smallest of squeezes before placing it back at her side. Hannah watched him slowly retreat to the door of the small room, as if second guessing each step he took. Part of her fantasised about him turning on his heel, and sweeping her into his arms - consequences be damned. But the sound of his hand pushing down the handle of the door sliced right through that reverie. “Are you sure?” he asked one last time, back still to her.

 _No._ The hollowness in her heart felt like it had become a bottomless pit that nothing would ever fill. She shut it off, force closed it and begged her heart to become numb to the man that once filled her with sheer happiness. Memories of their short time together hit her like a brick wall, but she swallowed each and every one, pushing them into the back of her mind. There was only one person she was focusing on now. And that person was not Steven Hackett. “I’m sure,” she answered, clear and resolute. The soft click of the door opening and closing again, and the gentle San Diego breeze flooding the room were the only indications of Steven Hackett walking out of her room, and out of her life.

She let out the small, shaky breath she had been holding in, and the tears finally started to roll freely down her cheeks; but Hannah found herself smiling for the first time since Claire had cornered her two weeks ago in the mess hall. It had been a whirlwind of emotion - _and vomiting_ \- but she… _she was excited._ She had closed a chapter of her life when she told Steven she was sure, but a newer, more exciting - _no_ , the _most_ exciting chapter of her life was just beginning. For the first time she allowed her hand to drift to her still-flat stomach, patting the flesh under her alliance fatigues. “We’re going to be fine… _little Shepard_.”

END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, this is how I imagine my Shepard was concieved. It's bittersweet, but I thought it was a nice(ish) headcanon to share.  
> Hope you enjoyed reading. :)


End file.
